I-RENEW BRACELET: Infomercial Review

After seeing the infomercial for the I-Renew bracelet, all I want to say is this: I have to get one of these for my Uncle Dale. You don't know Uncle Dale, but if you did, you'd understand.

First, in case you haven't seen the commercial, let me explain what I-Renew is. It's this incredible bracelet that emits natural frequencies while you're wearing it. The result is that it promotes strength and wellness. What's cool is that near me is a minor-league baseball team and almost all of their players wear this thing. And not one of them can say anything bad about it. They are firm in their belief that I-Renew gives them extra energy and extra coordination that they just don't have without the bracelet.

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And extra balance. Which brings me back to Uncle Dale. Dale, you see, has been a heavy drinker for as long as I can remember. When he's drinking, he has no balance or coordination at all. The closest he can come to walking a straight line is walking something that resembles that bumpy line on a heart monitor. The really weird thing, though, is that now, even when he's sober, his balance is terrible.

The infomercial for I-Bracelet shows a man pulling on people to knock them off balance. He succeeds when they're without the bracelet, but when they're wearing it, they stand strong, with perfect balance. I wonder what I-Renew could do for Uncle Dale. Maybe he could even pass his next sobriety test, if they ask him to walk a straight line or touch his nose. Then again, I doubt even the I-Renew can pass a breathalyser.

Still, the I-Renew is a great present for those in your life who like to stay active. It gives them the energy and balance to do so.

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PASTA BOAT: Infomercial Review

You gotta love the name of this new product: "The Pasta Boat." That's my two favorite fantasies combined in one: a world cruise and all-you-can-eat pasta. Who wouldn't want to go on a Spaghetti Cruise? Or a chicken alfredo yacht?

Ok, the Pasta Boat isn't quite that. But it is pretty cool: An easy sealable container that you put your pasta and water in and cook it easily in the microwave oven. Brilliant. But the commercial misses one important thing. What's with the use of only middle-aged housewives to illustrate the product? They're totally missing the market here: the single bachelor. A houswife loves the experience of cooking over the oven and having her family compliment her on the food's aroma. A single guy couldn't care less. A typical American family has meats in the freezer and fresh vegetables, all ready to be combined for the evening meal. A single guy's refrigerator has 23 different kinds of frozen dinners. Frozen, microwaveable stuff--that's the menu of choice for the bachelor.

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So the Pasta Boat works great for them. It might not be frozen, but it's just as easy: Put the pasta in the boat, and then nuke it. (Housewives don't nuke. It's a guy thing).

If it seems like I'm being negative towards bachelor, it's only fair: the commercial conveys a negative view of women. All the women are clumsily spilling pasta ingredients all over the place, burning their fingers, etc. But all stereotypes aside,, Pasta Boat looks super-cool. If you're ready for a relaxing cruise....well, honestly, you'll need a different kind of boat. But Pasta Boat is great for a relaxing meal.

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HEALTH MASTER: Infomercial Review

What the heck is an emulsifier? In fact, what does it even mean to emulsify something....and have I ever done it in my life? And the most important question of all: Why do infomercials try to confuse you into buying their product by using words that nobody else uses like "emulsifier"?

A caveat: I have the HEALTH MASTER, which does a great job of mixing and blending any food items that I need blended or mixed. I love it. It's probably the best appliance I have in my kitchen. But to me, it's a blender, period.

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Not so, according to the product's infomercial. It plainly tells you it's more than a blender: It's an emulsifier. Not confused enough? Try this, then: Thanks to the emulsifier's centrifugal system which is at the heart of its high tech digital emulsification system, the emulsifier retains all the antioxidants and phylo-nutrients that a blender leaves behind.

Think I'm making up all that gibberish? Watch the commercial! But make sure you do it with a dictionary handy, so you can figure out what the heck a phylo-nutrient and centrifugal system are.

If that doesn't leave you confused enough, try this on for size: The announcer says the HEALTH MASTER replaces 20 of your kitchen appliances. TWENTY? I don't think I've ever even SEEN 20 different kitchen appliances. Let's see, I have a toaster, refrigerator, stove, garbage disposal, coffee maker, waffle maker, and blender--er, emulsifier.

Honest, I think the HEALTH MASTER is the coolest thing. Sometimes I fix drinks with it even if I'm not thirsty, just because it's so fun. But I don't expect it to start making waffles or toast.

Now if you'll pardon me, I have to find a dictionary.

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Shoe Dazzle: Infomercial Review

Usually it's my wife who sees a commercial for something and who tries to get me to buy it. The other day I saw the advertisement for Shoe Dazzle – something that I think she would absolutely love – and I can't get her interested. And it's driving me crazy!

Shoe Dazzle, for lack of a better term, is a shoe recommendation service. The woman simply fills out an online profile. Professional stylists then create a look for her that will match her personality, lifestyle and wardrobe. With her membership, she'll receive a new pair of shoes each month that matches this profile. The stylists include famous celebrities such as Kim Kardashian. I think it sounds like a cool idea (And my biggest complaint is that nobody has thought to do something similar for men). Membership in the program ensures that the lady pays less than $40 per pair of shoes. Quite the deal, right?

So why can't I convince my wife? She just says, “I have my own shoe recommendation system.”

Yeah, right, I've seen that system in motion. It goes like this: Go to the mall, and she buys a pair of shoes. Go to J.C. Penney, and she buys a pair of shoes. Heck, even a trick to Goodwill ensures that she'll come back with a few pairs of shoes.

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Need to go to a party? She'll buy a pair of shoes. Got a dinner date coming up? That means another pair of shoes. New shoes for meeting new friends, new shoes for meeting old friends, new shoes for a trip to the ball park. She even buys a new pair for every PTA meeting.

Somehow I have to think that the Shoe Dazzle program would be a better service for her.

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JOAN RIVERS RIGHT TO BARE LEGS: Infomercial Review

Remember that old commercial for Smuckers Jelly: "With a name like Smuckers, it has to be good"? There are a few products like that: Great, outstanding product--but with a questionable name. That's how I feel about the product in this new informercial called "Right to Bare Legs." Trust me, having seen my girlfriend after her using it--I love the product. What's it do? It is a concealer that literally makes all imperfections on a woman's legs disappear (I suppose it would do the same for male legs, but I don't have the guts to try it).

But the name of the product: Right to Bare Legs? I understand that we live in a time when people are trying to invent all sorts of new "rights" that were never in the Constitution. A right to privacy, while it sounds good, just isn't in the Constitution. And sure, a right to quality education makes for good politics--but it's not something the founding fathers ever wrote.

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Major disappointment time, ladies: Despite what the name of this product says, you are not guaranteed a "right to bare legs." I'd like to see the politician who ever tried to sign off on that, too.

And let's go a little bit further. Because that's not the entire name of this product. It's actually 'JOAN RIVERS' Right to Bare Legs.' Okay, wonderful. The rights in the Constitution are granted to us by "the Creator." The right to bare legs? Granted by a talk-show-host / comedian. And by the way, it's a comedian that I don't normally associate with the sexiest legs in the world. How about Angelina Jolie Right to Bare Legs? Now there's a right I'd buy into.

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