CONTOUR ABS: Infomercial Review

There are many reasons I don't go to the gym. But way at the top of the list is my deeply felt conviction that most people don't like watching a fat man jiggle.

That, I believe, is why they don't have a fat man demonstrating the product in the new CONTOUR ABS infomercial. CONTOUR ABS, if you don't know, is this belt that you wear that gives your stomach more of a workout than a little thing that I hate called "exercise." It works by causing abdominal muscle contractions as you wear the belt. So it gives you these tiny little vibrations.

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And of course, the only people that the commercial shows using it are these ripped guys and gals who have no need for it. That's because on tight abs, very little jiggling takes place. I'm convinced, though, that if they put it on a fat guy--well let's just say that his stomach would roll like that "bowl full of jelly" in "The Night Before Christmas."

A jiggly fat man is something nobody wants to see. And especially not on the beach, where they filmed most of this commercial. But honestly--don't even the fit guys feel weird walking down the beach shirtless wearing this vibrating belt? And while we're asking rhetorical questions, why does the commercial make a big deal of the fact that it's available "without a prescription"? I've never had a prescription for a belt in my life. Why would I expect this belt to be different?

None of this is meant to detract from what a truly revolutionary product CONTOUR ABS is. I have a friend who uses it and loves it. In fact, I've heard nothing but good things about it. But then, my friends don't have a lot of jiggly fat to make it unattractive. I do.

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EASY CURVES: Infomercial Review

I admit it: I'm one of those guys who gets embarrassed if I have to be in the women's underwear section at the local department store. If I'm by myself and find myself there, I keep my eyes buried and run through there. If my wife is with me, I have to stay--and usually I stand staring at the ceiling.

And I'm also one who gets embarrassed watching certain women's only commercials. A tampon commercial gets a quick channel-change from me. Unfortunately, the other day when a commercial for EASY CURVES came on, my wife made me keep it there--embarrassing though it was.

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You wouldn't think it's embarrassing, since it's just an exercise device. It's this wand thing that you push and pull the ends to build firmness in the .... in the ....

...in the breasts. There, I said it. And that's the embarrassing part. This is a commercial full of women talking about how firm their breasts are, the problem with sagging breasts, not having the right shape of breast. Breasts, breasts, breasts, all of these women just talk so openly about it. The only comparison with men would be a certain sexual organ, and guys just don't spend a lot of time freely discussing that.

This is not to say that guys don't love women's breasts. Obviously they do. But we like to be the ones who bring it up. It's intimidating being surrounded by a room full of women talking about breasts, breasts, breasts.

The end of the commercial says there's a "money back guarantee." If what? If your breasts keep sagging? I'd love to hear THAT phone call. Of course, knowing my wife, she would make it gladly. No embarrassment whatsoever.

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P90X Extreme: Infomercial Review

One of my biggest challenges in life is how to avoid exercise as the world around me tells me I should start exercising. So it was a bit rough on me the other day when I saw the infomercial for P90 X EXTREME. This is a DVD exercise program that promises to get you "ripped" in 90 days by combining cardio exercises with nutrition and weight training.

The one thing they kept stressing in the commercial was CONFUSION. That's the key to making it work: muscle confusion. And if the brain is indeed a muscle, it's already doing it's job, because the infomercial had me confused.

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For starters, one of the real-life users that they had speaking in favor of the program is this guy from Turkey who manages to speak with a Russian accent. And I kept having to rewind to understand what he was saying:

"I was a drug button." A drug button? Oh no, he said "I was at rock bottom."

"I drained rate." How do you drain rate? No, wait, he said, "I gained weight."

Equally confusing was when he said he was convinced when he bought P90X that it wouldn't work, but he got it anyway, saying, "Let's see what is wrong with this product." Well, P90X is affordable, but still, I wouldn't pay $120 if I was convinced it wouldn't work.

Another confusing part is when one guy says you can do this program without any gym equipment. It's confusing because he's sitting on a deluxe home gym as he says it.

Two of my best friends have gotten into the P90X program and I admit, it's doing wonders for them. So it seems to be great at delivering on its promises. It might be too "extreme" for a couch potato like me, though. The commercial says "your gym is the space between the TV and the couch. Since my TV is on the table 4 feet in front of me, that's not much of a gym.

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SLIM IN 6: Infomercial Review

So I was watching TV the other night when my wife came in the room and started her nightly exercise routine. That's the way it usually is in our house....She exercises her body and I exercise the TV. Coincidentally, a commercial came on for the SLIM IN 6 DVD exercise program.

I must admit, I was intrigued by the name: SLIM IN 6. If they were promising I could get fit in 6 minutes, or even better, 6 six seconds, then I was interested. Alas, the name refers to 6 weeks. Nevertheless, my wife, who is always trying to get me off the couch, told me to watch the commercial. So I did.

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It featured a lady interviewing a former CNN health reporter Kat Carney who, because of SLIM IN 6, was in great shape. I have no smarmy remark here. I have to admit this product did a great job for her.

But then Kat Carney (A curse on her parents for naming her that) said she has NINE HUNDRED EXERCISE DVDs! 900! What, does she use them for coasters? Toss them as Frisbees? I'm thinking that if I had tried to get in shape and found that nothing worked, I would have given up after the first 5. And certainly the first 500.

900!

What was even stranger to me is that she said "a handful really get you to where you want to be." Then.....why not stop buying them after the first one you found that works? I'm now convinced that Kat Carney is addicted to workout DVDs. She just can't stop.

It's fortunate that in her addiction, she eventually found a superior product in SLIM IN 6. I just hope she can recover now from her addiction.

Is there a recovery center for DVD addicts?

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