CONTOUR ABS: Infomercial Review

There are many reasons I don't go to the gym. But way at the top of the list is my deeply felt conviction that most people don't like watching a fat man jiggle.

That, I believe, is why they don't have a fat man demonstrating the product in the new CONTOUR ABS infomercial. CONTOUR ABS, if you don't know, is this belt that you wear that gives your stomach more of a workout than a little thing that I hate called "exercise." It works by causing abdominal muscle contractions as you wear the belt. So it gives you these tiny little vibrations.

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And of course, the only people that the commercial shows using it are these ripped guys and gals who have no need for it. That's because on tight abs, very little jiggling takes place. I'm convinced, though, that if they put it on a fat guy--well let's just say that his stomach would roll like that "bowl full of jelly" in "The Night Before Christmas."

A jiggly fat man is something nobody wants to see. And especially not on the beach, where they filmed most of this commercial. But honestly--don't even the fit guys feel weird walking down the beach shirtless wearing this vibrating belt? And while we're asking rhetorical questions, why does the commercial make a big deal of the fact that it's available "without a prescription"? I've never had a prescription for a belt in my life. Why would I expect this belt to be different?

None of this is meant to detract from what a truly revolutionary product CONTOUR ABS is. I have a friend who uses it and loves it. In fact, I've heard nothing but good things about it. But then, my friends don't have a lot of jiggly fat to make it unattractive. I do.

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DERMA WAND: Infomercial Review

My wife fancies herself an actress (She's not) and she's decided she wants to go into infomercials. "Dear, you don't want to do that," I explained. When she explained why, I told her that all they do is insult the people in the commercials.

"Here's a good example," I said, pointing to a new commercial for Derma Wand. "They show this poor woman and say that her skin " 'appears dull and tired.' The last time I told you that you look tired, you hit me with a pillow and made me sleep on the couch.

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"Now with this lady, they're saying Derma Wand will 'remove her bags, folds and wrinkles.' Remember when you asked me if you have wrinkles? Remember my utter fear about answering the question? Now do you want this announcer pointing out YOUR bags, folds and wrinkles? If they existed, I mean."

I continued as she was mulling this over: "Now look at this one scene where a female doctor is gently caressing her female patient's face with her fingers. Notice the pleased grin on the patient's face. If you get Derma Wand, you don't get that special treatment from a beautiful female doctor."

"That's YOUR fantasy, not mine," she scolded me. Oh yeah, that's right.

We continued watching the commercial. I was a little confused why they go on and on about how easy the Derma Wand is to use and then mention that it includes a DVD that shows how to use it.

I did manage to talk my wife out of going into commercials. But now she decided she DOES want the Derma Wand. And who am I to talk her out of using something that will get rid of her wrinkles.

Not that she has any, mind you.

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FLOPPY INDOOR GOLF BALL: Infomercial Review

My wife knows I love golfing, and so for Christmas, she bought me something called the Floppy Indoor Golf Ball. The concept is this: A standard golf ball is hard. Therefore, you would never think of hitting it inside. You wouldn't--I would. That's why she got this for me. The Floppy is, as its name says, floppy. It's soft and so, if it hits something inside the house or office, it won't hurt it.

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There's just one thing wrong with the concept: My wife STILL glares at me when I hit the ball inside the house. But isn't that precisely what the infomercial shows that it's for? Isn't that why she got it for me? Nevertheless, the idea of not "playing ball inside the house" is so ingrained in some Americans, including my wife, that even hitting a safe ball inside earns a wicked stare. My mom was the same way. Every Christmas when I was a kid, she would buy me toys that beep, buzz, whistle and screech, she would have my dad put batteries in them, and then she would yell at me, "TURN THAT THING OFF!"

I noticed that the infomercial also shows a guy hitting the golf ball inside his office building, just outside his cubicle. And to be honest, no matter how soft it is, I have to believe that the average office manager would frown on this kind of activity inside during working hours. Who takes his golf clubs with him to work anyway?

Of course, I guess one good idea, if your boss happens to be a golfer, is to buy a Floppy for him for Christmas or his birthday. Then when he catches you playing golf during business hours--then he'll understand.

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Smart Cover Infomercial Review

I don’t typically watch too many infomercials on cosmetics. Being the guy that I am I am more interested in the power tools, golf clubs, powerful cleaners and the occasional kitchen utensil (because the food they make in the infomercial looks amazing), but the Smart Cover infomercial caught my attention right off the bat and I had to watch it.

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I couldn’t believe how superficial and seemingly shallow this infomercial was. I am not dogging the product here. It actually appeared to work really well at covering up skin “imperfections.” What I do want to discuss is how bad this infomercial sounds. All it talks about is how everyone has imperfections and that we need to cover them up in order to look beautiful. That doesn’t make sense to me at all. It is the little imperfections that make us all unique, (if you can call them imperfections, who says what’s perfect and what isn’t). That’s what this world needs, more people all trying to look the same. Blah, blah, blah, what a boring world that would be. If you ask me and I know you didn’t I say if it makes you uncomfortable then do what makes you happy. If you need to spend money on covering up what makes you, you, then by all means. Otherwise embrace your uniqueness and celebrate it even (kind of deep I know)

Maybe by saying everyone is ugly and needs to cover up is the only way to get across to people these days, but I would have preferred something that went a little more like this; “You are perfect the just the way you are, but if you feel that you need to change something, then have we got the product for you.” I guess that just isn’t the way to make sales. But, yes this product will cover all those imperfections on your face, legs, and anywhere you need a little help. It works…..

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ECO LAUNDRY BALL: Infomercial Review

You know what I like about laundry detergent commercials? They're just simple and straightforward: "Use PRIDE Detergent for your clothes. It gets dirt out."

Well great, that's for me! I have clothes! Some of my clothes have dirt! Hence, PRIDE Detergent is for me.

So what in the world is the advertising agency responsible for the ECO LAUNDRY BALL thinking? This is, for all intents and purposes, just another box of detergent packaged in a ball. The idea is that you put the ball in with your wish and it distributes the laundry detergent. Great concept. But it's laundry detergent.

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And so what does the commercial tell us: "Inside the green Eco Ball are dissolving pellets which contain pure natural minerals that activate with water and separate the dirt and grime.It delivers a greater whitening and anti-bacterial ability. It's environmentally friendly and does not release detergent chemicals back into the environment......yada yada yada." Are you asleep yet? I was!

I don't care about the chemical process that purifies my clothes with its environmentally friendly minerals. My only question: Does it get my jeans bright and my underwear white? Yes? Then why don't you tell me: Eco Laundry Ball: Have a ball cleaning your underwear!" See how much better that works?

Eco Laundry Ball is a terrific concept. I hate pouring detergent into the wash and wondering if I got enough in there--or maybe too much. No man uses the little measuring cup they include in the box. We all do the same thing: we look at the stains on our clothes, we think about how many articles of clothing are in there, and then we pour twice as much as we probably need. The ball makes it easier. And that's the selling point, folks. Leave the chemicals and minerals for science class.

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